Day 1 – April 11, 2016

Neither of us wanted to do this. We’d pinged each other last week after I got a nudge to do a “joy experiment”, but when Deborah and I met about this and other topics this morning, we moaned. For different reasons, we’re feeling overwhelmed and not wanting to add anything to our plates.

But then we discussed the truth that if we can’t do this now when we’re in a place of darkness, then when? When life is easy? How is that going to prove that Joy heals? Not…

So we begin.

Shortly after 1pm, I am in Starbucks following my first personal training session to get this 55 yo bod into a healthier structural state following a recent diagnosis of osteoporosis. I intend to reverse it, thus work is needed. Or specifically, work outs. But I digress.

As I stood at the counter, I thought to myself, “What the hell am I going to do today that will bring me great joy?” I wasn’t feeling unhappy in any way, just not 100% connected with joy. So then, what?

I texted Deborah and giggled that maybe that was my joy moment. Texting her.

No, sayeth my angels.

I decided that while in my workout clothes, I’d do a little dancing. I boogied to some hip-hop and did en-JOY myself, although I found myself trying to do other things at the same time – like the dishes (while I wiggled my butt). I realized that I was resisting complete surrender to 10 minutes of pure joy. Wow.

Okay. So that needs to change.

 

Day 2 – April 12th

On my morning drive to Connecticut:

 

Looking for “pockets” or “moments” of joy today. Like buoys in a stormy sea. My big joy was playing the license plate game. This started when I saw Hawaii a couple of months ago while driving in Rhode Island. I mean, wowsers, right?!

So today, I saw…drum roll please…Alabama and New Mexico, which were my highlights. But I also say Delaware, Georgia and Illinois. Respectable states as well, but not quite as spectacular as the first two.

You could say this is a silly child’s game. I know this to be my angels sharing that travel is in my future and getting closer and closer. Peter and I look forward to this new phase…thinking about it and playing with the angels on this theme brings me joy and a smile. 🙂

 

Day 3 – April 13th

Went to Mystic again and had to deal with a mess as there is chatter about Mom and Duncan needing more aide help. That’s the break point as far as Nicole and I are concerned – Avalon (nursing facility). Not sure if we’re there yet, but…

Joy today surfaced through a wonderful facial I had with Audrey. It was extremely relaxing and I went deep into my soul place. 🙂

 

Day 4 – April 14th

A weary start, but always state the intentions of faith. There is no wavering on that one.

Recorded this audio journal moment on my way to the dentist.

 

After, I sat in Starbucks to enjoy breakfast and a latte before my training session. As I was reading the book I was guided to bring, I was struck by the underscoring of what Deborah and I discussed on Monday.

If not now…when?

I took another bite of my oatmeal and was reminded of what I’d just heard an hour before on NPR. “The only thing we really know about Vladimir Putin is that he eats porridge every morning.” One more bite and I thought, in our silly information world, is this really a thing? Have people actually written about what the president of Russian eats every day? This thought tickled me with the joy of humor juxtaposed to my fascination and adoration of humans. I grabbed my phone and went to the source of all knowledge. Google.

Sure enough, there were several articles about his habits and how he lives. I suppose this is expected and “normal” for where we’re at in society’s evolutionary cycle. There weren’t all kinds of blog tidbits by random people, which I thought there might be. That would’ve made me gol (giggle out loud).

I know joy is in the little things and I’m realizing as we ease into this dance, that it has a deep connection with imagination. Answering the questions of “How can I make the most of this moment?” and/or “How can I express my creative potential…as I sit eating my oatmeal in a public room full of strangers?”

Imagination has the answers. Perhaps it always does.

 

Day 5 – April 15th

Joy today…an interesting – and enlightening – journey. I had a couple of things scheduled that usually bring immediate joy. Friday morning coffee with Sue and the first pick of the year at Tangerini’s for the spring farm share. And yet…not as much about joy as about obligation.

I adore Sue and cherish what has become our weekly ritual. I also worship my local farm. But today was more of a recovery day from the chaos of this past week. Today was more about seclusion and rest.

What brought true joy? An hour in my favorite chair with a hot cuppa earl grey tea and my book.

I hadn’t really thought about it before – at least not head on – but what brings joy can vary drastically from one day to the next, depending upon where I’m at. I need my space and my alone time. When I don’t get it, nothing – no matter how much I love it – can bring me joy.

Today’s Conclusion: Joy is a moving target.

 

Day 6 – April 16th

So much joy today! Kicked in with writing the AngelGram for tomorrow. I was a little tired when I awoke, but my energy freshened as I organized and channeled the message. Then I hosted the Silver Halo Hour and did readings using birthday items – FUN! Peter and I had some unexpected snuggling time 😉 and we are heading into Boston to see friends this evening.

I found a part of me regretting the fact that I didn’t get outside. It’s a beautiful day, although chilly with a north wind. Then I realized that was silly. Sometimes…the flow of life keeps us quiet and inside.

Joy. It has been easier today.

 

Day 8 – April 18th

Had to shake off a little Ambien fog this morning. That happened pretty quickly after my morning yoga, prayer and an outside communion with the trees. There is a beech across the yard at Dad’s neighbors that is magnificent. Something about her brought me instantly to my happy place. 🙂 Once grounded, joy came easily. It’s been a GORGEOUS warm and sunny spring day.

It still remains a time that challenges with seeing mom and gearing up to move Dad out of this house. I’m realizing that I need more and more structure with self-care to stay on track and take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Discipline and consistency is key. Makes me think this is integral to continuing joy.

 

Day 9 – April 19th

Tired today. Battle fatigue. Big meeting at StoneRidge and even though I try not to think about it, I’m supposed to speak with Dad next week about “the change” for him. Drained…

My joy today came in simple form. When I got home, I went for a walk in the woods. Alone. No music or radio. As I approached one of my turnaround points, my angels signaled, “turn around now”. It was 30 yards before my usual spot, but I listened. And I stopped. I listened more deeply and realized I was stuck in the energy of “Can I check this off my list now? Walked far enough – check.”

I also discovered that I was so busy searching, seeking, wanting…I wasn’t connecting. I was wondering too, “Have I had my joy moment? Can I check this off?” Nope…If I have to ask the question, it’s not here.

So I really stopped. I watched the trees and tuned into the sounds around me. Deeply. As I did, I got lost in the moment. I was present. And there – was joy.

 

Day 10 – April 20th

Another glorious day here, although a little on the cool side. Went with Judy to see DQ for her back/hip. We had fun girlie time and it was nice to be out of the family drama that seems to be intensifying.

When we came back, I got ready for my training session. Had a great workout and needed an epsom salts bath when I got home.

My journey with Joy today has rambled. This morning was definitely Joyful as was this afternoon. I felt myself slip away from Joy as family things interrupted – speaking with Crystal about Mom’s coumadin Rx, following up with long term care insurance, ordering a new wheelchair, inquiring about a therapy dog and reviewing care plan details plus calling The Dunes Club for Dad (and this was an OFF day – LOL!).

As I search my inner world looking for the ingredients that ensure Joy, I keep feeling alignment. When I am doing what comes easily, naturally and is 100% guided, I feel Joy.

So that begs the question – and this is not the first time this has come forward – is helping my parents guided action? I know I need do and most times want to, but what needs to shift on their end or my end for it to feel Joyful?

Maybe this is a question for the ages…when something doesn’t make one happy, is it the right thing to do?

I did decide to hire short term housecleaning help while things are nutty. And, I scheduled a massage for Friday. Perhaps it really goes back to balance?

Time to meditate 🙂

 

Day 11 – April 21st

Intense day today. Visited a nursing home in Providence for Dad with Peter B. and then had an appointment to FINALLY get into Mom’s safe deposit box. Talk about a memory vault.

Many Joyful moments sprinkled through the day and feeling very connected to Baba Mommy right now.

 

Day 13 – April 23rd

Joy. Joy. Joy. It’s actually felt pretty easy today. I LOVE doing my work. I wrote the AngelGram for tomorrow and the Master Teaching team met today. Good stuff is happening and that always brings a smile to my heart.

I’m also feeling good about self-care. Met with my trainer today and been eating well. Yes, a BIG ingredient for Joy!

 

Day 16 – April 26th

Interesting that I haven’t written. Been busy. I don’t think I’m avoiding anything. This is “tell Dad he’s moving out” week and my bros are coming to RI for the weekend to go through the house. LOTS happening with managing both Mom and Dad’s affairs. Plus preparing for Ayumi who arrives in 3 weeks. Plus staying sane.

I’m actually feeling pretty darned good, given all that’s happening. Joyful? Yes! Keeping my mind in the present, which is key.

 

Day 17 – April 27th

Loooonnnngggg day. And feeling good. Spoke to Dad this morning about moving on and it went well. Deal with some of Mom’s affairs today and started organizing things here at Post Road. All really hard stuff and yet…I’m good. Part of it is movement, this has been coming for a while and movement feels in alignment. I’ve been good at not going into the emotions of all this. If I did, I could easily be crushed. All is good. I am feeling Joy. 🙂

 

May 5th

Fell away from this experiment for a bit. Oddly, felt done with it. Deborah had announced the Joy theme with her Teacher’s Group and then it came up at the Master Teacher meeting. Shared prematurely and some of its primal energy dissipated. It will come back when/as needed. Additionally, although only 2+ weeks, Joy did become – and still is – more present. Hard to measure how much, but it’s here.

Today, I’ve been guided to shift and focus on the process of prayer. Starting this evening during my meditation, I’m praying for guidance regarding doing my work in a way that is nurturing and lucrative – even while I’m dealing with things exploding on the parent front. Powerful energy during meditation and I kept (keep) hearing “art”. We shall see where this leads… 🙂

 

May 7th

On so many levels, I’m feeling the lesson of what’s too much? what’s enough? How hard do I push myself in training? What’s the sweet spot of getting the best workout without pain and/or injury? How do I know I’m playing my A game in each moment? Am I doing enough for my family? for my business? for my home? for my marriage?

I don’t think I’m alone with this dance. What I do know is that when I’m in the flow of my guidance, these questions disappear. Because what each moment brings, just is. And is perfect.

I’ve been feeling the flow of things shifting. Subtly. And I’m staying unattached – as much as I can – to the outcome of where the angels are leading me. I surrender. With a full and loving heart. Amen.

 

May 19th

Beyond the Expiration Date

I start this journey with strong emphasis on one true fact. I adore my mother and I cherish my father. It is because of this deep love for my parents that I bring light to the unwanted and mostly ignored topic of aging to death with dignity. To allowing a more natural process of death and dying. To acknowledging – and accepting – that perhaps a beating heart is not the only definition of what it means to live.

At 87, my mother has advanced dementia, cannot complete a thought and hasn’t been able to function on her own for over two years. Before that time, she was confused, but could engage in some level of dialogue. Now, following simple instructions are near impossible.

At 95, my father can’t walk. He spends his days moving from one room to the kitchen and then up to bed. Sometimes his aide will take him out for an adventure by the ocean, but it’s no easy feat. His cognitive abilities are much better than my mother’s, but he has also declined mentally. A man who prided himself on his high level of intellect. A graduate of MIT. Reading the newspaper, engineering magazines and books once kept him occupied for many hours. Now he re-reads the same passages as he often loses the book mark and forgets where he was.

One question that I’ve had more and more frequently as my brothers and I have been doing this dance for close to three years now. Why? Why do we perpetuate this painful and slow deterioration of life by administering life saving medications? Why do we prolong death of the body when the spirit has all but left? Why do we put our own lives on hold to sustain our beloved parents as they exist in such a compromised capacity? I can say without question that my mother would despise to live this way. If she only knew.

My grandmother had dementia. We watched her disintegrate. First her mind. Then her body. It was hell for everyone. My mother was torn into pieces and pledged she would never allow that for herself. But…

The corollary to the question of Why? is When? So if we were to take action and stop the non-palliative medications, when is the right time? In my mind, this is the harder question to answer…

I’ve had a conversation with my mother’s doctor about taking her off her life-saving medications – of which there are many. His prediction is that she’d live a few weeks to a few months. I have vowed not to do this unless my brothers and I all agree it’s time. As of this moment, we don’t all agree. She lives with my stepfather who is also 95. They have private care 24/7. It’s hugely expensive for a very questionable quality of life that taxes the loved ones dearly.

So why?

It can be hard to answer the question of “When is it time?” In some cases, perhaps impossible. But for many cases, wouldn’t it be the kindest action to stop the meds? To allow the soul to let go and move on. To trust that the bigger purpose of LIFE should rule.

 

May 22nd

I’ve had billions of thoughts about my own process of dying. Will I develop dementia too? This is probably the biggest one. I mean my grandmother AND mother didn’t escape it. What I have on my side is awareness. And faith. I’ve already overcome other health challenges from the matrilineal line – specifically hysterectomy. I am determined to take the path that keeps me aligned with sustained health in the highest order.

Or am I?

This is the dance I’ve been doing the past few weeks, especially since the diagnosis of osteoporosis. I eat well, but am I eating well enough? I take my supplements and tune into that guidance 3x/day, but is it enough? I was doing my morning yoga and strengthening 5-6x/week, but not in the past two weeks. Same with walking. I’ve been working in the yard a lot, but there it is. I beat myself up about consistency. There’s a voice within that badgers and ridicules me for not being able to do these routines over and over. As habit.

My brothers seem to be able to maintain a routine. Why can’t I?

The energy just isn’t there…

Routinely, my plate is overflowing. Routinely, I am juggling 50 different needs – of people, of the house, of my own. Routinely, I am pulled in 50 different directions. There’s my routine. Not unusual for a woman. And especially for a woman who’s also a minister.

So where’s the balance? Within I hear…

 

May 23rd

I started back up with my morning routine today: 30-40 minutes of yoga, stretching and strength training. Did it by the pool and it was wonderful…very nourishing. As I did my sun salutations, I cycled through the 12 Tenets. Processing Tenet #10: I listen to the spiritual messages within my physical body, I realized that part of my lack of consistency is self-punishment. Like the guilty part of me is ragging on the spiritual, grounded part of me. And winning. At least while I’m not taking care of myself.

Of course there are days, even a string of days, when my root is off and I just need to rest. But this was bigger. Deeper.

Another Why…Why do I feel the need to punish myself? Makes me want to cry, because I know I’m a good woman doing good work in the world – both under my roof, down the street and around the globe.

Ah yes, but is it good ENOUGH?

Am I trying to equalize things? I see people struggling and I feel a need to lower my own joy level so I can share space with them? Is this about fitting in? Oh God. Drat. Yes.

My dance with fitting in. A part of me runs from being like anyone else. As if “being different” alone is the desired goal. A driven need to set myself apart. No, I’m not like anyone. Even if doing so is detrimental to my health, on any level.

But then I also want to fit in, when I feel pressured. The dance, the dance.

I’m feeling as though this is the epic battle between individual guidance and society’s perceived needs and expectations. When my guidance butts up against the trends, the norm, the pressures upon us.

I’ve been taught to fit in. Somewhat from my parents, but more from my schooling and camp experiences. In my core, I’ve always been consciously connected to my inner compass. Sometimes the two influences are at odds. Okay, a lot of times they are at odds.

This is big. Thank you angels for spelunking with me.

 

May 26th

Enough has been a dominant theme. It’s revealed some healing on a rather deep level. The questions of “Am I doing enough?”, “Is there more that I can do?” seem unending on almost every front. From parenting, to marriage, to business, to daughtering and sistering…

Enough is enough. Enough enoughs.

It seems a shift of focus is in order. I’m tired and as soon as I admit that, I hear, “And that’s okay…even expected, right now.”

 

May 27th

Rededicating this space to writing whatever needs to come through each day. Loosely committing to writing for 30min/day 5 days/week. I’ve come to realize that my writing always has to be what serves me most. This is how it becomes a healing process for me AND is ultimately most successful with reaching other people. I can fantasize and predict what I “think” my audience needs to hear, but it will always fall short. I am here to teach from my own process. This is a fairly new realization. So, where and what I write will depend on what I need each day. I am laying out pieces of a puzzle – or more likely – puzzles. Later, I will assemble what needs to be assembled.

 

Today I want to explore my HD cross using Chetan Parkyn’s, The Book of Lines. Thinking about using it for ALC 2016/2017.

Gate 17.1

The Gate of Following, Opinions: Debate and discussion temper all opinions to a point where they stand as a base for concepts and ideals aligned with the potential future wellbeing of everyone.

Line 1: Being Open-minded: Recognizing the potential dualities in all things. You appreciate many different views of life, none of which by themselves, are right or wrong.

Gate 18.1

The Gate of Improving, Finding Remedy: (Work on what has been spoiled) All traditions and customs need constant review to find if they are presently wholesome and healthy.

Line 1: Being Paternalistic: The difficulties involved in updating male traditions. Patriarchal traditions are rooted in his-story and you examine them to find present relevance.

I’m here to fix things. To take on the headstrong ways that are a force in society and provide a viable – and better – alternative. Obviously living an intuitive life is a big piece of this…living with the angels. Where it all began for me!

As life with family has pulled me to the sidelines for a spell, I’m realizing more and more how I may have a role with speaking out about life beyond the expiration date.

I was chatting with Suzanne over coffee a couple of days ago and she said something profound, “All life is not equal.” It’s a hard truth to embrace in our current society, but it is a truth.

We put so much emphasis on the beating heart, we’ve lost sight of what it means to really live. I think about how Dad faces 95 years versus Duncan. Dad is upbeat and smiles. It’s a taboo topic in the Doolittle home. I’ve always believed that people who fear death most are those who haven’t really lived life while they had the chance.

This is a daily invitation to me – to live life! To ask the question, “What will bring me most the joy and connectedness to life today?”

Does this mean that healthy people who enjoy life deserve to live more than those who are healthy but depressed? Is that what “all life is not equal” means? I’d say no, because depression, illness and anxiety can be profound teachers of spirit. Disease is a profound teacher of spirit.

So where is the line drawn? At what point does one life become less than another?

In my heart, the answer is when a life no longer has the potential for growth. When it can no longer be of service.

I want to start this dialogue. Or at least give it focus and invite discussion.

Another truth is that keeping beating hearts beating…is BIG business. Not that I will go down the dark path of blaming corporations for their evil ways. My path is always about forgiveness and faith that all is in divine order. I raise this point because there are considerable forces resistant to change.

But love and the heart always prevail. At least this is my belief that gets me out of bed in the morning. And so I continue…

 

May 28th

Grouchy this morning. Mostly because we had the shaman circle here last night so I didn’t get to sleep until after midnight. Awoke late, morning chores and then Peter is up before I have time to myself for prayer, meditation and writing. I growl and it’s not him, it’s me responding to the circumstances. Oy.

What emotions are trying to express? What words need to come forward, dear angels?

“It’s like this. You’re depleted to start with. Every moment you have to yourself, you look to fill with some “necessary” task – work, home or play – it’s all the same on some level. You need free space. Like a computer that’s used up all it’s RAM, you need to reformat your disk.”

And how do I do that? My sabbatical is still a month away, family needs, …

“Simple. You just do it. You unplug from everything for 24 hours. Not from Peter and doing what you truly, absolutely want to do, but from everything you feel you need to do. And this is the perfect weekend for it. Get your chores done early today and dedicate the rest of the time this weekend to regeneration.”

Works for me!

~~~~~~~~~~

In ritual last night, I let go of an obsessive need to serve. It’s almost as if I get into a loop – maybe especially when I’m depleted? – and I’m constantly surveying the people in front of me, the environment that lies before and around me, and I loop in the questions of “Is there anything I need to do to make this person more comfortable? How can I serve? I should get going on doing that…weeding, cleaning,…”

I need to look at my other Cross energies…feeling this may have something to do with Gate 52. My subconscious Cross energies…

Gate 58.3

The Gate of Joyous Vitality, The Vital Spark: Appreciate the great power and delight to have Joy in life.

Line 3: Exciting: The drawn of worldly enjoyments requires great inner selectivity. Intense excitement exists within you or is reflected through a promise of worldly pleasures.

Gate 52.3

The Gate of Mountain, Keeping Still: Your inner stillness and quietness allows you to gain perspective over all life’s circumstances.

Line 3: Being Resigned: Inner composure in times when nothing needs to happen. You resist acting to accumulate unnecessary resources, or become pressured and resentful.

Bam! There it is – pressured and resentful. I need time and space for inner stillness and quietness, so I’ll create better perspective.

Thank you angels! Thank you Human Design and Ra!

 

May 31

Had a lovely long weekend and feeling refreshed. Still some level of fatigue that I think is simply from the battle…

I spoke with Mom last night. I didn’t really want to. Venus called and said she’d been talking about me. We were in the middle of finishing up a house project and heading into the dinner hour. It’s just so hard, because it’s impossible to connect. I avoid calling her and when I do, I try to make sure I’m in a strong place and can be really present with her.

Me: Did you go to the StoneRidge picnic downstairs today?

Mom: No, we didn’t. But we were busy.

Me: So you didn’t go to the Memorial Day event downstairs?

Mom: Oh yes, we did.

Me: Oh good! Was it fun?

Mom: Yes, we’ve been very busy. Pause. Because of all the cars.

Pretty sure she was looking out the window, couldn’t come up with the finished thought so went with what she saw in front of her…cars.

And as we were finishing up, she asked me to give Peter – my nice husband – her love. I replied that he sends his love to her and she thanked me and said she’ll put it in a box.

I almost wonder if it would be easier if she couldn’t talk at all. Probably harder for her though. Although she knows she can’t complete sentences and that upsets her. It’s like she’s trapped inside. If there were less coherence, maybe she wouldn’t feel trapped.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a little girl, my world revolved around my mother. She was my everything and could do no wrong. She was smart, attentive, loving and always on top of what needed to be done to run our family and care for us with all the dedication she could muster.

She loved her lists. We joked that she had lists of her lists. She was efficient and well organized. She took her job as mother seriously. Very seriously. She HATED the term housewife and would probably still turn up her nose if she heard it today. Whenever a form or authority asked for her occupation, she’d insist on “mother”. And it was true – that was her career – motherhood.

I’m actually not sure why she loathed the thought of being a housewife. If I were to guess, I’d say it was because that put her in a box, sounded clinical. It’s probably also because she was more dedicated to being a mother, than being a wife. I guess I should’ve seen the divorce coming sooner.

She was a woman. She was a functional, adoring, fierce-at-times and a bit on the wild side of a woman. I miss her… so much.

My mother is gone. And it hurts.

 

June 1st

And it just happens to be 1 Tijax – the beginning of a cycle of healing. Hmmm…

Another gorgeous day here. Th weather definitely keeps my spirits lifted. Still, I need to process some things, so here I am.

Currently happening: Orlena is struggling with depression. No buttons pushed there. I arrived at Post Road yesterday afternoon and Dad was awake early from his nap. He’d been giving Junie a hard time, but felt badly about it. I’m hearing “there it is” — not sure?

PZB found some letters Dad had written to Mom back in 1985/1986 and one that she had written him. It was not the happiest of breakups, but that’s expected. Dad assumed the clueless victim role quite well and I’m sure he was deeply hurt. Mom was practical and somewhat detached. All in proper form following decades of patterns established.

Mom’s letter didn’t trigger, but Dad’s certainly did. And yes, I feel guilty about it. Need to dig in to unearth this, because these feelings are underneath everything right now – just below the surface.

I’m angry with Dad. He was never around and, in fact, avoided us. I remember countless times when Mom asked me to call him to remind him to come home. I had just learned how to dial the phone. He was always late. She was a young woman with 4 children and he was working at a job that turned out to be more of a hobby, because there was no income.

When he did come home, he would hide. I rarely remember him putting me to bed and I never liked it, because it meant Mom wasn’t the one there. I’d like to say he tried, but I’m thinking he didn’t.

There was the time in the summer of 1965. I was 4. Mom went to Greece with David and PZB?? while Jeff?? was at camp. Dad stayed behind to work and probably sail. I stayed at Mrs. Anderson’s. Once – one time – during what’s a big chunk of time as a little girl – he came to take me to lunch at the Agawam.

Yes, I’m angry.

He’s always put his needs first. And if he hurts someone along the way, he’s apologetic, but doesn’t seem to learn from it. This is why the angels screamed “there it is” re the Junie situation. Not only does he always put himself first, but when he clearly sees that his doing so has hurt others, he apologizes and then falls right back into his old pattern – of putting himself first.

I get this – putting myself first. But I work hard to learn from what happens and take responsibility when shit goes down. There’s another piece – he’s never taken responsibility.

He never felt the need to earn money – even if he had savings, to support his children and legacy.

He was never involved in parenting. Okay, hardly ever. There was the time he and I (at my suggestion) went to NYC when I was 18. I remember telling him that I wasn’t going to go to college right away. I was scared about his response, but he was completely understanding and said some lovely, supportive words.

So it’s in him. He just doesn’t seem to try in any kind of proactive way for the benefit of others. It’s probably in his design. Yes, I hear.

It still hurts as his “little girl”. Where is he? Really?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so to be clear. My father is one of the most lovable, likable men you’ll ever meet. Yet, my mother left him and all four of his children have struggled.

Such duality…or maybe not. As an adult, he’s always responded when I initiated. And been there when I’ve needed help.

What are the wounds that are speaking when he hurts his loved ones without conscious awareness – over and over? What’s caused his inability to be present?

Entitlement, is the first word I hear. Perhaps because he was born into a wealthy family, he learned at an early age to just receive and be quiet. His older brother died shortly after he was born. Dad doesn’t remember him, because he was too young. An event like that would have had a major impact on the household and environment for the little boy growing up.

Was it too painful for him to sense his parents’ needs, because it was too big a gap for anyone to fill? Not that a child should feel obligated to fulfill their parents’ needs…spoken like a Cross of Service – lol. Perhaps the more appropriate question is: was it too painful for him to feel their love and respond? Maybe he survived and just shut down…

 

June 10

Vivid dreams last night. I awoke from the first dream around 4am and was disturbed. I was with Theron in the city – Boston? We had been doing something? Playing a game? Can’t remember… It was clear that Bernie Sanders had just lost the race for the Whitehouse. We noticed a fire in a building across the harbor and then looked around to see buildings burning in many locations. Theron didn’t want me to, but I turned on the news and there’d been bombings. It felt apocalyptic. As I was lying in bed asking for clarity, I realized Theron and I are both 6 ajpuu. Mercedes said I’m here to teach him. He’s launching into the world now and is swirling swirling around about plans…almost frantic. I guess I’m not clear on what else I’m here to teach him…

Second dream, I was with someone – can’t recall who? Feels like it was either a childhood girlfriend or Theron? We were outside. I noticed a little snake in the grass and so I picked it up and started to choke it. I was scared, but believed this was right action. Somehow I walked while I was doing this and passed a nest – other baby snakes and a big mama snake. She scared me, but I decided I must kill her too as she started to come out to protect her baby. I realized – thankfully – that this is NOT who I am, so I let her go. I also let her baby go and while he’d filled with air and was wounded, he returned to proper shape and turned out to be okay. I’m in tears as I write this. Not sure of meaning, but must go deep. Charlie caught and killed a little snake yesterday…

 

July 7

I hate not to be able to be there for people I love. It irks me to the core and I feel like a failure. I know that if I’m following my guidance, it’s all in alignment. But it still rocks me.

Shadow side of the Cross of Service? Perhaps. There’s more, I hear…

This goes back to when I was a little girl, born into a family in need of healing. I almost wonder if I was brought into the world to be the glue to hold things together. Yet they couldn’t be held together. It was not meant to be. And there was pain, no matter what I did. But I know I was a bright light for maman.

Even as I type this, a flash of things to do for the family next week comes in. Am I resistant to space and time that’s just for me? Am I programmed to respond to other’s calls over my own needs?

Yes.

Ugh.

Time to unearth and unravel.

But as we – my brothers and I – navigate this transition, we’re growing closer.

I get scared that if I don’t get involved, something catastrophic might happen. Death, divorce, pain, heartache. I’m here to prevent and ease these things. Aren’t I?

No.

This is God’s plan and I’m just here to execute my part and get my emotions out of the way.

 

July 8th

Life lessons:

#1 – learn to respond only to God’s guidance and not to fear of rejection or need for attention. Open G, open Throat respectively.

Speak my truth keeps coming up as a theme. And epitaph inscriptions were mentioned twice yesterday – what do I want to be remembered for. Or more accurately…if I’m having a convo with God after I leave this body, I’d like it to go something like this. “Hey God, you sent me to Planet Earth to do ________ and from my end it seems that’s exactly what I did. Do you agree?” Only I don’t even need to ask that question, because if I’m in alignment, there is no question. It is just right. Period. And I know it in my core. That’s what alignment is all about.

So what is that blank to fill in? Now there’s the good question.