I wrote a version of this post to my Living with the Angels membership community earlier this week. It feels relevant to publish here as I plan to take the rest of the summer offline to process and write…LOTS of writing as we prepare for the launch of AngelsTeach 3.0 this fall, which I can’t wait to share with you!
In fact, be sure to sign up for the AngelsNOW free webinar, so you’re part of our upcoming events. 🙂
My mother passed away last Sunday, June 4th, and I keep wondering. Searching.
How will I be different now?
Will I suddenly take a liking to country music or have a passion for running marathons? Will a natural ability to speak French fluently emerge? Will I long to travel the world as a casual ornithologist?
As I finished that sentence, a bird I don’t recognize sings behind me.
My mother wasn’t interested in any of these things. I’m just searching… how will my world be different with her on the other side of the veil.
I hear her voice, “Nina dear, do what you came here to do.” She is insistent. She is helping me to move on.
I wonder, will I assume any of her habits – some were endearing, others not so much.
I’m sad – of course – but truth be told, I’m relieved. She was sick for a long time and it was painful to see her. They say you grieve dementia patients twice – once while alive and once when passed. I grieved in every moment, every time I saw her or thought of what her life was like during the illness, especially in the last year. I’m sure that makes it easier now.
There was a time in the past years that we felt truly blessed to meet another side of her. We were transported back to her childhood. She couldn’t remember any details, but she had become a little girl, so completely wrapped up in the present and delighted by her teddy bear, plates with doggies, the little things…you know.
I wondered what it’d be like to be her best friend as little girls together. We would have had magical tea parties with our stuffed animals. No dolls. We were never doll people.
I am at peace, because she is at peace. It is still fresh and I do keep wandering and wondering…what will be different now.
I am hopeful.
Whatever is different, feels powerful for she is with me completely now.
Have a beautiful summer!